Is the FBI Infiltrator the One Who Brought Chicken Divan to the Potluck?

Have you heard about this Terrorism thingy? It seems there was this bomb, or something, about ten years ago, and since then a lot of people have been Worried. They’ve even talked about it on teevee.

As detailed by Newsorgan Dilaceratus, the FBI is not one of these worrywarts, taking a fairly lackadaisical approach– Setting up a few homeless or mentally retarded people in Sting Operations, handing out Christmas crackers and telling Jihadist wannabes they were pipebombs, and so on. FBI work being heretofore intense, what with John Dillinger shootouts, and being uncomfortably close to cannibals, the agents have enjoyed the opportunity to do some goldbricking, and the chance to chill out on the taxpayer’s dime.

One of the best ways the FBI has found to spend their time this decade is by infiltrating Vegetarian groups. The President was always saying he thought they should try and infiltrate Jihadist groups, but the FBI said No, they couldn’t, because they were all White and couldn’t speak Arabic– They would look Dumb. The President said, OK then, just go and check up on those wily Vegetarians, who may be up to something suspicious with all those Lentils. The FBI said OK, that does sound suspicious. There’s not much Legitimate to be done with Lentils.

Anyway. The FBI agents got some crocheted hats, and ponchos, and really Serpico’d things up. Then they got lost, it seems, because they ended up in Knoxville, Tennessee! This is a place that Terrorists don’t like, because it sounds like Nutsville if you’re Southern, and Terrorists don’t like things that make them look Crazy.

The FBI guys went to some pot-luck dinners to find out about the Lentils. This took a few years, because it turns out there are a lot more things you can do with Lentils than you’d think.

Also, the FBI guys probably had to smoke some dope, to fit in, and to not mind so much about the feet smell, and to take the edge off how Hippie Chicks are the last females in the United States who don’t shave. This is how the FBI guys found out it was just like those commercials on teevee: you start smoking dope and the next thing you know, a decade has passed, and you’re still just sitting there on the exact same couch, eating a dry Lentil Loaf and talking about how sad it is the baby ducks get eaten by snapping turtles.

Anyway. This sort of determined Man-in-the-Field Legwork is why we don’t have to worry about Terrorism anymore. Good work!


About dilaceratus

Encaustic Artist
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